Following up on a question on our fb/ig LIVE last week on Sibling Rivalry, here's a previous Q&A on the same topic using the same Respectful Parenting principles.
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QUESTION
My daughter is very jealous of her brother. He is 6m old and she is 2 years old. When we are not looking, she will hit him or purposely disturb him. We tell her nicely not to do it but she doesn't listen. Sometimes we also scold her but she just ignore us and will do it again. Can you help?
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ANSWER:
Oh mama, first of all, I want you to know that you aren't alone. Sibling rivalry is such a major hot topic in fact we have a whole section in my upcoming Toddler Wars workshop that covers it!
Secondly, I want you to know that this is very normal behavior and your child is not a monster. She is just trying to make sense of her world the best way she knows how to so the heart behind Respectful Parenting is trying to understand where she is coming from then responding as a parent to help her navigate through it.
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1. MAMA TIME
The first thing I would do before even addressing the problem with her is to really think about how much intentional one-on-one time you might be spending with your daughter. In my workshops, we call this "mama time" and it is key in keeping your little one grounded.
The aim of mama time is to just be present for her - let her lead, make each other laugh, play play play, love on each other, fill her love tank. The reason why that is step one is because unless she feels a connection with mama, or has that intimacy with you, the rest of the answers won't work because that ultimately is what every child craves and seeks.
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2. MAKE SPACE
A lot of times as parents we want to fix the problem. That's what we do, we are fixers. The problem sometimes with always fixing is that there is no space to just breathe or feel or allow all these messy ugly feelings to happen. If we don't teach our littles that it's okay to have these feelings and empower them to deal with it, what will they do later on when they grow up and have to face all the same emotions by themselves?
Talk to her about what is going on. No lectures, no shaming, no blaming. What is going on? How can I help you? You are feeling very frustrated/angry/hurt/jealous. Help them label those feelings so they also understand what is happening.
Instead of saying "You are the older sister, you have to love him, you really love him right?" try asking and acknowledging instead what she might be feeling. Jealousy? Left out? Bored? Hangry? Overstimulated? Understimulated? Attention?
It is amazing how much just giving them the words and echoing their feelings will help them feel understood and heard. The aim is to work on the root cause, not the symptoms.
"You were feeling really sad that mama had to hold the baby and you don't like it."
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3. SAFETY FIRST
If it is a safety issue, we always step in whether it's physically removing her from her brother or keeping them apart if you are not there to supervise.
When you remove her, you stay calm and confident and let her know that "I am so sorry, I cannot let you hit brother. It isn't safe, I have to protect you both."
It is also being vigilant in knowing what her usual trigger points are and preventing those situations from happening as much as possible.
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4. EMPOWER
Lastly, the most important step is to empower her with tools for dealing with her jealousy. What other things can she hit if she's looking for that sensory output? What can she do when she feels jealous? What are some good solutions that can help her? The idea is that you ask her these questions and work out a solution that works for the whole team.
"What can you do the next time you need mama but mama is with the baby?"
When you involve your little in coming out with the solution, they are much more likely to follow through and to really understand why and what and how.
Teaching your little to honor and take charge of her feelings is a lifelong gift and skill and who better to navigate that with than with mama?
Always always remember that and that staying calm and confident is always half the battle won already.
You got this, mama!
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Racheal Kwacz is a Child and Family Development Specialist, mama tribe advocate and writer. As creator of the ‘Racheal Method’, she combines her 20+ years experience working with children in the USA and in Asia with the foundations of ‘Respectful Parenting’, leading parents and teachers around the world to raise kind, confident, compassionate, resilient little ones.
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To learn more about my upcoming Toddler Wars! workshop with Kidxy, check out:
http://www.kidxy.com/rk
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