That was days before Christmas when I was walking down the street for an important interview with a Lebanese political party. I came to a check point in the downtown and stopped by the army. “Hey, what’s that?” the army asked me after checking my passport. He pointed at my neck. Awkwardly I was trying to cover the mark with my hand, that’s a somebody’s love mark but I said it’s some bruises and walked away.
Christmas eve was lonely in Beirut that year. The city celebrates Christmas and New Year grandly, and the Lebanese around the world would come back to the country for the festivals. That December I spent my day time going around Syrian refugee camp and interviewing Hezbollah, while night time I would get myself drown in a local bar. There was a Chinese old lady who love talking about her ex-boyfriends, and the bar manager, Joseph who's also a good story teller telling me Lebanoneses' story from all walks of life. I'd order a fruit juice and listening to his story, mostly sad stories. I was 22 that year, partially active in dating apps. I told Joseph it was surprisingly easy to get a match. He smiled and told me the locals would rather go out with the foreigners as it's best way to avoid scandal. Scandal is going to bring destruction on the individual there. I guess that leads to a greater loneliness among ones, which lead them to fail to build a relationship but rather go for option(s) that could enable ones to experience intimacy without time and energy investment.
I used to think I am good in being alone, given that started solo backpacking in a real young age, and later working in some conflict zones. But then I realized I am wrong when I went through failure in varies kind of relationships in my 20s. Having a better social status doesn’t mean a person is abundance inside, that’s what I observed from some of my friends. I too, tried to was anxiously hoping to be loved, hoping the external factors could strengthen my confidence and giving my life a more meaningful purpose, till I later started an introspection and filling up the empty cup in me by myself. I learn to talk to myself, and understand myself more, learning how to be alone but not lonely. I have long given up the idea of “get yourself busy” or “meeting new friends” in order to get rid of negative emotions.
