關於 dilemma pay money to my pain ，我們在網路上蒐集到這些相關的討論、資訊與評價

整理資料發現近兩年前去某國際研討會分享 #手天使 心得時的講稿，當時把我知道的議題面向都寫進去了。貼上來給有興趣的朋友。

[[slide page 1]]
Thank you for attending this part.
I'm from Hand Angel, a non-profit organization of Taiwan.

The title of my presentation is "As a sex worker and a sex volunteer",
since I'm both a sex worker, and also attending Hand Angel as a sex volunteer.

[[slide page 2]]
Allow me to introduce my organization more,
though you may know some from what Vincent has said in the morning.

Our main tenet is sexual rights to people with disabilities.

[[slide page 3]]
This includes not only orgasm, but also the right to control one's sexuality with autonomy and without discrimination.
People know us usually because we provide limited sexual service for servere physical or visual disabilities, including females.

Hand Angel is not a registered organization in Taiwan,
since we literally provide sexual service, which is considered against public order and morals.

However, we are still able to initiative our idea on the table
because our service are free, which means we actually do not violate any law.

[[slide page 4]]
In Taiwan, the definition of "sexual transaction" includes obscene acts in exchange for monetary,
which means it's considered transactional sex even there is no sexual intercourse.
And since transactional sex is technically illegal in Taiwan,
there's no legal way for us to charge anything by providing any service which may be considered obscenity.

This is much different in other countries.
In Japan, the law prohibiting sexual transaction only applies to intercourse between one male and one female. That's why White Hands and NOIR are able to provide paid handjob. The other reason is that they seem do not locate their service as sexual transaction. We can talk about this difference later.
And in Hong Kong, there's some way for sex workers not to be punished, which is called "one-woman brothel". So the difficulty for people with disabilities to satisfy their sexual desire would be different.

I, who has been a sex worker for years -- under the table, of course -- was invited to join Hand Angel at its very beginning.
[[slide page 5]]
People keep asking me that how a sex worker would think about a free sexual service.
But before that question, I think it's more important for us to know the difference other than money.
What's the difference between a classical transactional sex and our service?

As a sex worker, I hope my customers will come back to me more and more, as many times as they can pay.
But as a member of Hand Angel, I hope the servees would not need us anymore.
In fact, I hope they don't have to come to us at the very beginning.

The reason why people with disabilities may need sexual service, is the absence of sexual resource, the resource to fulfill one's sexual desire.

This is just like other issues of disabilities.
[[slide page 6]]
Just providing a service would not resolve the structural problem.

For example, if you give food to the poor without changing their situation, you would end up finding out that they're still poor.
Now change the "food" to "sex".
If we just give our own sex to those who barely have sexual resource, we'll end up exploiting ourselves, and their bad situation still remains.

The problem is, disabled people are considered abnormal, and they have been treated as no unnecessary needs.
But what is necessary for a person to live her own life instead of just survive?
In our issue, disabled people are usually considered asexual, and seldom sexy. That's the stigma we're going to break down.

[[slide page 7]]
There are some textures talking about disabled people in love and having sex, such as "Scarlet Road", "Sex on Wheels", and "The Sessions".
However, the narrative are usually based on ableism.
Viewers usually focus on how can the service provider "bear" to have sex with disabled people, instead of seeing the obstacles disabled people encounter.

[[slide page 8]]
A feminist has said that the relationship a disabled person has is considered depending on the compassion of the other person. People think their sexuality is disgusting and only saints are able to tolerate it.

So we can see the problem is not only physical obstacles, but also how we think about intimate relationship a disabled person deserves.

[[slide page 9]]
Does Hand Angel care about intimate issue? The answer is yes.
In our service, we provide not only sexual service. Our target is not the physical orgasm, but the infinite opportunity of their own lives.
Here are two examples.

[[slide page 10]] Little Prince
Since this servee can sense nothing below his waist, a classical handjob would be meaningless.
Fortunately, we have a BDSM queen in our team.
She thought of techniques in SM to check how pain it is to the slave, and use the same trick to check how the servee's body can feel.
I have to emphasize: that was not a medical treatment, that was about communication with each other.
They were talking about the feeling of two people, instead of the body of one person.
The whole process relies on the intimacy between the sex volunteer and the servee.

[[slide page 11]] ND
"Strolling" for him was from his room to the front door of his home.
Uh, I'm not talking about he lives in a big house.
Though using an electric wheelchair, ND's finger was not powerful enough to control the device for more than 10 minutes,
which means going out alone is not possible for him.
But after applying for our service, he trained himself to "walk" longer.
Even after our service, we were told that he kept trying to leave home and meet other friends.

Another servee has tried other entertainment such as snorkeling and paragliding after our service.
He's having a more plentiful life than before, and even than me.

[[slide page 12]]
In these cases, we can see that:
First, physical orgasm is not the only purpose of a sexual service.
Secondly, libido, or desire for sexual activity, is a strong energy for people to live.

There's a continuing question for us: People can still live without sex.
[[slide page 13]]
What's so important for disabled people to have sex?
Well, I think sex is probably not important for those who can have sex easily, but the impossibility to sex or intimacy may deny the self-esteem of a person.
Sex is an important reason for most people to make friends. So on the other hand, once a person is forced to abandon the opportunity to have sex, she (or he) might lose the energy to social activities. And that's not good for mental health.

[[slide page 14]] The 3 aspects we care about
First, physical orgasm. This is not only about sex organ, but also those come from your erogenous zone.
The problem is not only that people don't know how to interact with disabled people during sex,
but also that people do not want to know how the sex would be for people with different disabilities.

Second, intimacy. The right to have a satisfying date is also important.
Let's imagine, what if a couple of lovers want to kiss each other while seeing movie in a theater, but one of them is in wheelchair so their positions are actually separated?

Third, social integration. Many people with disabilities don't have enough opportunity to make close friends. One of the reasons is that other people usually don't know how to react with disabled people. Therefore, education is important.

[[slide page 15]] Gender Equity Education
In Taiwan, gender equity education comprises 3 parts: affective education, sex education, and gay and lesbian education.
Though I also want to introduce the situation that the conservative group is raising a proposal of referendum to forbid gay and lesbian education, but that's not the issue here so I have to skip that. I hope people who are interested in Taiwan may notice that same-sex marriage is not the only issue about gender equity.

Uh, back to disability rights movement.
As an organization which cares both gender issue and disability issue, we note that even open-minded gender activists may ignore the existence of people with disabilities.
Gender equity education is never designed or applied in the point of view of the disabled.
For example, there are some materials for teaching safe sex, but people seldom think about how a blind person should know before she (or he) masturbate or have sex.

We have a servee who once masturbated in the bathroom of his home, but couldn't clean up since not knowing where his semen reached during ejaculation, and therefore shocked his sister who later used the bathroom.
And another friend bought an artificial vagina in a sex toy store. But he didn't even know he have to erect before insertion.

[[slide page 16]] female servee
People caring about gender equity keep question us: why is there only one female servee during these 5 years after our foundation?
Well, we think the answer is complicated. But the most important one is: how difficult for a female to "confess" she has sexual desire?
We all know about "slut shaming", and those terms to humiliate females by their sexuality -- such as "bitch" and "whore".
It's difficult even for able-bodied females to state their sex experience and preference.
Then it's even more difficult for disabled females to think what she herself wants.

But before sexual activity with other people, disabled females don't even know their body well.
The only female servee we have, told us she has never seen or touched her own vagina.
So we also hosted some conferences and speeches to discuss about such situation of disabled females.

[[slide page 17]] Androcentrism
This is an important issue for us. And I think it's important for those who care about sexual health of disabled people.
Though there are some textures talking about sexual desires of disabled females. To provide sexual service or even sex education to them is barely seen.
I have to admit that, even though there are more and more female members joining us, androcentrism is still not easy to get over.

[[slide page 18]] limitations
Hand Angel provides service to those with servere physical or visual disabilities.
So here comes a frequently asked question: what about others?
The main difficulty for us is that we don't know enough about the situation of other disabilities.
Of course we know that people with other disabilities also don't have enough sexual resources,
but we ourselves do not have enough resources to share, either.
That's why we also hope other people to compose other similar organization.

Meanwhile, there are some people we cannot help because of law.
Adolescents are the ones I myself care about most,
since male teenagers have overwhelming sexual desire, and that would be hell for those with upper limb disability.

However, there are always laws prohibiting youths to have sex in every country.
[[slide page 19]]
In Taiwan, it is legal to have sexual activity after 16. No matter it's intercourse or not.
But even for an organization providing free service like us, the member who communicate with sex volunteer and the servee would be punished as a broker if the servee is younger than 18.
Actually, we do have an applier who mailed us about his desire when he was 15. What we can do is tell him to wait 3 more years.

Unfortunately, being an adult does not mean your right to sex is permitted.
[[slide page 20]]
People with intellectual disability or mental disorder are also infantilized, treated as babies or angels, and considered asexual.
The dilemma is similar to what teenagers have. Their consents are not considered valid.
That is frustrating. The law to protect them from sexual violence also tortures them.

[[slide page 21]] Acrotomophilia and devotees
While talking about disabled people in love or having sex, this is also an issue we should mention.
Some people worry about that devotees are just trying to dominate or take control of the disabled people.
This is similar to MacKinnon's dominance theory and male supremacy.
Devotees are considered to have more power in the relationship, and thus disabled people have a lack of autonomy.

I think that's a stigma, too.
The dominance theory does not deny free love. It focuses on the power issue.
Thus, the problem lies still on the absence of resources disabled people deserve.
Slanders on devotees are based on the prejudice that disabled people are never sexy,
and that denies the possibility for disabled people to have plentiful sexual activity.
The whole society shall support disabled people to have their own autonomy in their relationship.

[[slide page 22]] Difficulties
Usually, people would understand sexual desire of disabled people.
But to support it publicly is another story, especially for the organizations relying on donations.
There are some social workers and parents telling us that they want to do something to help their cases and family,
but it is still an issue which could not be spoken.
It's never been easy for us to talk about sex on the table, but it should be done.
Even for those who don't agree with the idea of sexual service, I do hope you could at least support disabled people to talk about their sex and romance.

[[slide page 23]]
This ends my report. Thank you for listening.
I'm Kong, a sex volunteer of Hand Angel from Taiwan.

【賭上靈魂的女人】

青竹蛇兒口，黃蜂尾上針，兩者皆不毒，最毒婦人心。

I have a Bazi client, who has been a social escort for over a decade.

She didn't tell me the truth at the start. In fact, she "challenged" me to use my 6th sense and offered her Bazi.

I do not need your Bazi to read you inside out. Also, Bazi analysis is a highly methodological and scientific method to understand a person's past, present and future Destiny. I'm no medium. There is no 6th sense needed.

Over the many short messages before our meeting, she expressed her shock that I could read so much from merely her words.

I didn't have her birth details at that time, nor had I seen a single photo of hers.

With the internet era, a competent Metaphysics practitioner must have the ability to dissect a person's true character and intention, even from a simple "Hi".

Impossible? Too judgmental? You just haven't met a seasoned human scanner in real life. Or you don't know the true you well enough to see the rock hard truth in our words.

While messaging me questions about a (legitimate) business of hers, I replied with a verse written by my Grandmaster, Living Buddha Lian Sheng:

"君子愛財，取之有道。
不義之財雖到手，
無限後患跟著來。"

(While wealth is covetable, a gentleman makes his wealth through just and ethical means.
Ill gotten wealth, though in your hands, will elicit endless troubles pouring your way.)

She was astounded and asked, "Do you actually know what my job is? This is shocking..."

I guess I passed her challenge with flying colours.

.

She wasn't a sex worker, due to harsh circumstances like severe poverty or mountains of heavy medical bills for her family.

A drunk gang rape incident in her uni days changed her views on men and she wanted to take revenge on men. She lived a life of drugs and alcohol in between her lectures.

The way I see it, is her obsession for money that caused her downfall.

On one hot summer day in 2006, she answered a social escort advertisement. She was barely 21 and was influenced by what she read online.

The "Mama-san" who looked her over told her she needed to put on weight.

She was surprised. Wasn't it easier to earn money with a slim figure?

The Mama-san snapped, "Nonsense. Most men dislike a woman who is too slim. They prefer those with some flesh."

She silently made a promise to herself to swallow more burgers.

Her first client was an Arabic businessman. She was paid US500 for one hour.

That virgin taste of easy money lured her deeper and deeper into the abyss.

Clients of powerful backgrounds, Singapore and overseas, single and married, private and government sectors...one-on-one, multiple players, mass orgies...

She lived like a bird freed from her cage. Suddenly she could buy anything she desired, just by sweet talking and giving lusty men access to her nubile body. She was in and out of hotels, as frequently as 5 times a day.

The carefree lifestyle, the freedom of not answering to any boss and those money that poured from the sky was her drug.

In her own words, she was "the woman that all wives curse and fear".

She referred to herself as the woman the wife will loathe to find traces of existence, when the wife checks her husband's handphone with trembling hands.

It was as if she took pride in that.

How did her cause of seeking revenge on men become a twisted path of demolishing other women's marriages?

.

It didn't take her long to accumulate 6-figures in her bank account.

The more money she had, however, the more insecure she became.

She worried about losing it all. She deeply craved the warmth of love to complete her soul.

She was only 22. The client was manly, handsome and charming. He gave her $20K for her company.

She badly wanted him for her own. To be his wife.

With $100,000 withdrawn, she gave it all to her 2nd Mama-san. She decided she would use black magic to lock his heart. And soul.

But it was a fraud. The Mama-san started exhorting from her.

She was desperate and down to her last $2. She began stealing from her family and lying to feed the incessant demands and threats from her Mama-san.

She gradually realised this was her retribution of selling her body for quick money.

However, this new realisation didn't change her a bit.

She met a new client, Dave. He was a married man. It was love at first sight for her.

The initial joy she had from the money and attention he showered her blinded her wisdom to the extramarital affair.

She stayed in one of Hong Kong's expensive apartments at a prime district. But it soon became an soulless shell of loneliness that prompted her suicide attempts.

Dave coldly dumped her like a hot potato, as he didn't wish to handle an emotionally volatile woman.

.

Ken told her she bore an uncanny resemblance to his first love. She fell hard for his sweet words and gentle demeanour.

He weaved a forlorn tale of an emotionally abusive and lonely marriage, and how it was impossible for him not to to be attracted to her.

They travelled greatly and dined at expensive restaurants.

To have a married man giving his heart to her, was like tasting the forbidden apple. That first juicy bite satiated her craving to be desired. And to win another woman.

This time, she decided she would use black magic again to break up his marriage. She coveted that role of his wife. A permanent and lasting relationship, finally.

Black magic uses the dark forces of ghosts to carry out the client's wishes. She paid a good US$10,000 for a famous sorcerer and another US$4000 for her Thai amulet and mud puppet.

Did she capture Ken in the end?

They got into physical fights crazily. The amulet that controlled the ghosts backfired, and her sanity was devoured by the ghosts.

.

Her craziness drove her to swallow 200 sleeping pills and cut her wrists. ANYTHING to have him stay with her. Ken was horrified and visited her daily at the hospital. She felt triumphant. Finally, he was at her beck and call.

The happiness was short-lived. After her discharge, he broke up with her when he was on an overseas stint.

She went absolutely berserk and grabbed a knife to her throat. It felt that the ghosts wielded full control of her mind and body. Her mum kept yelling at her.

The realisation of truth came too late for her: A man, who lied to his wife and had an affair, will never be honest with her. Once a liar, always a liar.

She was warded into the high-dependancy unit at the mental hospital. Everyday, she was surrounded by suicidal and high-risk patients. They were bounded at their feet and hands. It was a petrifying sight. Was this the end of her life? She wasn't even 28. How did she allowed a man to destroy her prime years?

She sought to understand love and karma. She delved into Buddhist books, wanting to know what caused her to lose her mind. She started to have deep regret about taking short cuts in life and her laziness in earning money the ethical way. She saw, on her hands, the fresh blood of people's happiness that she had killed.

But the greed and anxiety in her couldn't be satisfied with a regular job. Or a single man who doesn't make enough to provide for her.

She was needy, attention-seeking and quarrelsome. I had called her a yoyo. I had spent many hours over a few months, replying to her messages.

Every day, she fought hard against the temptation to take up another escort job

.

「捨邪歸正」

I lost count how many Masters she sought advice from before she found me online.

She read my posts and was amazed by my tenacity to take failures.

She watched my video on suicide and became aware of the Hell that all suicide victims go to. To repeat that act of killing themselves every day at the same time they died.

Among the many things I said at our consultation, I could tell her the age range she sold herself and that it was a elder lady who gave her the chance. She was surprised at my accuracy.

I told her the only way out was to sincerely repent for her past misdeeds. Blind listening to Buddhist chants and sutras would do nothing to change her fate. That is passive. Being active is to recite it and abide by the precepts.

I instructed her to write out her story in as much details as possible, to lead other sex workers, or wannabes, suicidal people and men with affairs to the Right Path.

This was one of the fastest ways I know that can change a disastrous life around.

All the Thai amulets, crystals and pendants she stashed in her room MUST go. She spoke of their decreasing power over time, and it seemed like a never-ending black hole as she kept on buying more and more to help her legitimate business.

She asked whether she would be able to get a publisher to buy her story.

I told her to forget about making money from her book. Give it for free. Post it online. Somehow, somewhere, everywhere. Get the story out. Fast.

When her boyfriend left her a sum of money, I insisted that she returned it. Don't take money that you didn't earn it rightfully. She said that was her breakup fee. I put my feet down, and said it was a proper relationship between two singles, and she caused the breakup. Why would she need money for loving a man who had loved her?

She promised she would write her story.

But she lied to me. Just like how she lied of making the $49 donation the next day, before seeking a Bazi consultation with me.

She went to the Guan Yin Temple at Waterloo Street, and sought a divination stick. It was her favourite activity whenever she was troubled or at a dilemma.

Right after she left the temple, she messaged and questioned why she received a 下簽 (bad lot) for my recommendation.

I asked for the number of the divination lot and the actual question she posed.

"I want to write a story about my life to encourage women not to sell their bodies and for married men not to have affairs. I may be hurt or sabotaged by people, so please protect me."

That didn't sound like a question. But the Bodhisattva had a way in teaching sentient beings.

I was dumbfounded at the Bodhisattva's omnipresent accuracy and foresight, when I saw the divination number.

It was a bad lot indeed, but not because of the solution I gave to my client.

.

「莊子試妻」

Zhuangzi was a famous and well-respected Chinese philosopher of the Warring States Period.

One day at the mountains, he walked past a new grave and saw a woman kneeling over the freshly turned soil, hurriedly fanning it.

Not understanding the woman's behaviour, Zhuangzi asked for her intention.

The woman replied, that her husband lied beneath the soil. Before he died, he had said she could only remarry, when the soil of his grave dried. It was the rainy season at that time, hence her fervent fanning, so that she could quickly seek a new man.

Zhuangzi shook his head, when he heard of her heartlessness.

Unknown to many, Zhuangzi was an accomplished Taoist practitioner. With his supernatural powers, he helped the woman to dry the soil almost immediately. Thrilled at the dried grave, the widow gave her fan to Zhuangzi and hurried down the mountain.

Zhuangzi returned home, singing and waving the fan. His wife, Tian, questioned where he got the fan from. When she heard of the widow, Tian was so angry that she tore the fan into pieces and called the widow shameless.

Zhuangzi pacified his wife and said he had faith in her chastity.

A few days later, he fell very sick and died. Tian was saddened at her husband's sudden death and wept in sorrow

At his funeral, a very handsome young man showed up with his old servant. He said he was Zhuangzi's student, and a son of an important government official.

He wanted to perform the rites of a dutiful student, and helped in his teacher's funeral, by watching vigil for three years.

His good looks caught the eye of the newly minted widow, Tian. She sought to know more his eligibility from the old servant.

Within 20 days, they got married.

On the night of their wedding, the young man was struck with an ear-shattering migraine. Tian anxiously asked the old servant for help. The old servant said his young master had this strange illness since birth. The only cure was to consume the brain of a human. Back in his hometown, the father would take the brain from the prisoners sentenced for death for his son.

But in this remote countryside, where could they find a human brain as medicine?

Tian thought of her dead husband. She promptly took an axe and hacked open his coffin.

Zhuangzi leapt out from the coffin and mused this now-famous Chinese verse, "青竹蛇兒口，黃蜂尾上針，兩者皆不毒，最毒婦人心。"

Tian proclaimed that she heard noises in her coffin and wanted to see if Zhuangzi was alive.

Zhuangzi questioned the red finery on her and the red decor in the house. Tian argued that she wanted to welcome him. So she donned on the wedding finery to get married with him again.

The young man and his servant walked in. They were actually manifestations of Zhuangzi's supernatural powers.

Tian was so ashamed of her heartless and deciteful act that she eventually hung herself.

.

Every divination lot comes with a poem and a background story. This was the background story on my client's divination lot.

The poem states:

因名喪德如何事 卻恐吉中變化凶
酒醉不知何處去 青松影里夢朦朧

Virtues are destroyed in pursuit of self gain. Fear that the auspicious will morph into bad.

The drunkard knows nowhere to go. In the green forest a shadow lingers in a dreamy haze.

.

It is common to encounter clients that lack faith in my recommendations.

Some will ask many questions after our session, wanting to know why my solutions will help them or how I derive my solutions. There are also emotional clients who would flare up and lose all their manners, when they can't get an answer that they like from me.

I don't ask my doctor what ingredient goes into the making of my cough syrup and how it works scientifically in my body.

I take action by drinking it as prescribed. Because based on past experience, I trust that his medicine will work to help my predicament. I don't drink, I continue to be sick, I don't see results.

My suggestions don't require my clients to consume unknown medical liquids into their bodies. Yet few clients take action, when it comes to their Destiny.

Despite me being recommended by their friend who experienced positive results with my help, and have genuine testimonials to justify my fees.

That divination lot was Bodhisattva telling me: My client will not write her story, for she does not sincerely regret her past acts.

It was also a grave reprimand to her to mend her ways before it was too late.

But she didn't see the divination lot in the same manner as I did.

Not only does she lack faith in my words, she distrusted the holy words of the Bodhisattva too.

.

Give money, buy love, buy fame, buy business, buy wealth and buy that. No need hard work.

Such is the sexy appeal of many ghostly amulets. They appeal to people who want many things in life but refuse to follow the Law of Karma, to sow seeds the right way.

I see one client bidded for a Thai amulet from a Facebook Live. Another wanted to buy a multi-coloured bracelet, because "so pretty! Got power some more!" Luckily, his Wife who had learned some Buddhism from me stopped him.

.

In March 2017, this client sent me a message:

"Hi Ji Qian, hope you are well. Good luck for your Home Fengshui For A Happy Marriage tomorrow.

I was looking thru our past convos where we first started speaking online. Yes, Im a spoilt brat and Im a yoyo porcupine. I look at a sentence that is poignant - "the day you stop relying on men is the day you become prosperous". I wonder if that day will ever come. I I finally understand that my Facebook Adverts getting disabled is due to my past karma. And I haven't finished writing the repentance story which u instructed me to write in August. I think I know that I'm half-hearted in repentance, that's why I can't bring myself to finish the story. I'm just wondering if I am supposed to survive on my savings till my Facebook Advert Account get reactivated.

I haven't been able to find any new product to sell since XXX (sales also failing miserably). I am weak-willed and too reliant on men. The only thing keeping me from committing suicide is my mum and because I'm reminded by Shifu's words that a suicide victim is doomed to repeat the same act."

菩薩英明。

.

Last year, I had casually asked if I could share her story. She promptly gave me the permission.

Yesterday, one client called me unempathetic towards him. The way he wrote suddenly jolted my memory of this client. I had taken too long to write her story.

I told her to write in English and Chinese, and she did part of it.

The account you read of her past was adapted from her written work. Though there are many grammar and structural mistakes, she does write very well.

The poison in our hearts will eventually consume our souls if we do not purge it out. What joy is there when we resort to brutal force to keep a man by our side? Should he chooses to leave, that does not discount the value of our self worth. A man who isn't interested in you for the right reason isn't attractive.

The same goes for men who cheat or pay for sex. You are ruining another woman's life when you satisfy your lust.

When you inflict suffering on another being, in return, you get pain and suffering on yourself. So don't sow the seed in the first place. Repentance done right over a period of time can prevent your past bad seeds from germinating, and reduce your suffering.

If there is any merit in sharing her story here, I dedicate all of it to my client.

May she have the inner wisdom and stability to lead a virtuous life.

May she always be surrounded by good teachers to show her the way.

May her vile affinities be broken and replaced by good ones.

May her greed and hatred be subdued.

May she repent for her past transgressions in time.

No matter how long it may take, one step forward into the Light is one step away from Darkness.

.

ཨོཾ་མ་ཎི་པདྨེ་ཧཱུྂ༔
Om Ma Ni Peh Me Hom